Day(s) 5,6 & 7/17: Dieting Can be Ordinary, the Grill AND The Tale of the Scale

I fired up Facebook this morning and found a post from my aunt asking about the blog entries for days 5 and 6. It struck me that, although monumental when it first begins, dieting is - or can be - fairly mundane. Which is, I suppose, a good thing. When we stop thinking about it, it must mean that it's become a bit more natural; that it's worked itself into the daily routine and, by extension, has a better chance of sticking.

That said, the past couple of days have not been without their moments. For example, inspired by the blue sky and sunshine, I totally forgot about this pulled muscle thing in my lower abdomen and decided to clean my grill. So, armed with Brillo soap pads, hot water and a ton of paper towel, I jerked and dragged the thing out of what was left of a snowbank and prepared to do battle with the grilling surface. I scrubbed and scrubbed, then hoisted this cast iron/ceramic/whatever thing out of the body of the grill and hauled it across the driveway to apply the hose. Hmmm; not quite clean enough. Hefted it up, hauled it back across the driveway to the yard and scrubbed some more.  Back to the hose we staggered to do another "jet rinse". It was a sort of a reversal of the weight-lifting routine, "the clean and jerk".  Then, I went shopping for a grill cover, more water (turns out, it is "smart" as my ankles have gone back to a normal circumference now!), eggs and more vegetables. Now, let me say this about all these green vegetables: my digestion recognizes the loss of other colors and it misses them - keenly and regularly. The 96% lean ground sirloin I ate for dinner didn't make a bit of difference, I'm sorry to tell you. I'm looking forward to the return of dairy and some sort of grain........

Included in my shopping excursion was also a bathroom scale. Nope, didn't have one. Yup - ultimate denial. Oh, I weighed myself periodically, but I refused to bring one of those dreadful things into my own home...I'd simply content myself with weighing in at a friend's house and leaving the grim and terrible truth behind.  This time, however, I decided that if I was going to go through all the hot water/lemon agony, I was going to be able to gauge my progress.

To the Biddeford Wal-Mart I drove, grim determination etched on my face. I found a parking space close to the door; I took it as sign that this was meant to be.  I dodged two trucks and a fast-moving Camaro with a flat black paint job and a pulsing bass line you could hear in Portsmouth, NH and soon was pushing my cart toward the "Lawn and Garden" department. Minutes later, I was wheeling back toward the main store, grill cover keeping company in my cart with a veggie grilling basket and several disposable grill surfaces. I have no desire to repeat that scrubbing/jet blast routine again and these should definitely help with that goal!

I glanced through my shopping list: Kitty litter, beef roast, vegetables in steamer bags, eggs, bathroom scale. 

I resolutely pushed the cart toward the back of the store, passing under the sign that showed "Home Improvement" to be on the right. I took a left...toward the groceries. Not an unfamiliar choice. Fifteen minutes later, I'd worked through all the items on my list...save one: the BATHROOM SCALE.  There was nothing for it...off to Home Improvement/Bath I headed. With footsteps dragging, I approached the scale aisle - only to be confronted with the impact of digital technology on that particular industry. Yes, yes, - I  already knew that they displayed weight in LCD format. What I wasn't prepared for were scales that did the following: calculated my body fat, my hydration levels and my lean body mass. I felt safe in assuming that these models - which sell for close to $80 each - would be able to give me my weight, if there was enough time left on the battery to do so! Then there were those scales that spoke; presumably designed for those that could not yet see the LCD window. According to the packaging, in addition to articulating one's weight, it also offered affirmations when a weight loss was realized and encouragement when a plateau had been hit and weight remained the same. There was a light show involved as well: with the affirmation, there was a green light and with a plateau, the light shone yellow. The packaging was strangely evasive about what happened with a recorded weight gain, however. Oh, it told about a red light that would come on in that situation, but it was silent about any comment the scale might make. I could just imagine: "Don't look at me; I didn't eat the cheesecake!" I couldn't bring myself to even consider that model; the last thing I need is a scale with an attitude. I allowed my mind to wander for a moment and conjured frightening images of the kinds of things that a scale like this would actually say to me:

• "Nice dimples; though I've never seen them in thighs, before!"
• "No, I don't think removing your earrings would make a difference!"
• "Give me a minute to catch my breath and then you can try again!"

And, of course, the inevitable weigh-ins when there were no discernable words - just harsh screaming...

Needless to say, I passed - quickly.  The one I chose had no voice - thankfully - but it does have a brain. It will remember my weight, from weigh-in to weigh-in and will show it to me, silently - along with the difference between the last and current weigh-ins. All for $17.98. Excellent! Or...as excellent as this sort of purchase would ever be! I slipped the scale into my cart, right between the Smart water and the kitty litter, and made my way to the check-outs.

Once home, I put away my purchases before coming face-to-cardboard with my nemesis - lying all alone on my kitchen counter. With shaking hands and a shuddering breath, I unpacked it, removed the little tab that would allow the battery to begin operating and headed to my room. There, without ....er....my earrings...I stepped upon the gleaming white plastic and chrome beast - and waited...and waited. Finally, the number I'd been so dreading appeared in the window. Wait. Let's try this again.............stepped off, waited for the window to clear, stepped back up again. I waited. Again. Huh! The number was the same as the last time. Ok....they say three's the charm, so let's try this again!  Step off, step on (sort of like the Karate Kid without the wax part); wait ... there it is - AGAIN ... same number! I stepped off for the final time, put my ....earrings back on and returned the scale to its new home.  While our relationship might have started off a bit on the rocky side, I think it just might work out between us after all..................(wait for it)................

The number was SEVEN POUNDS lower than the last time I went through this exercise - one week ago!

With renewed determination, I begin week two......................

Stay tuned................

Day 4/17: This Little Piggy OR ... the Great Bacon Debate

5:45 am - Hot water/lemon. I've got nothing here; I've exhausted my whining about this ritual. It happens. I gag. Uvula shudders and considers another disappearing act. It's over. We both move on with our days!

5:47 am - Start the microwave egg process. Yes, "start". Let me explain.  While walking along the aisles at Hannaford Bros one Saturday, I found this white, heavy-duty plastic thing that you use to microwave eggs. It's got two round, white compartments with a handle that sort of curves outward at the bottom. When you insert the eggs and close the cooker, it sort of looks like Jeff Goldblum in "The Fly". Really. I tried to find a picture, but struck out. You'll have to go with me on this. So - at 5:47 am, my mouth all puckered up from that damned hot water/lemon torture, I was leaning against my counter laughing hysterically. I've just re-read this. I think it's incredibly funny, but perhaps you had to be there. Finish the eggs. They're slightly less rubbery than the first time I tried using the dish. Score! Hot eggs. Oh - and green tea. BIG surprise!

9:30 am - Vanilla yogurt and Maine blueberries. Delicious. Loved it. Having it again tomorrow. Although, I must say that I fail to see the logic. Another diet rule: you can have vanilla yogurt. ONLY. I can ADD blueberries or strawberries, but I CANNOT buy Greek yogurt with those fruits already added. Who MAKES these rules?  MONK????

11:50 am - Baby spinach salad, tomatoes, bacon, grilled chicken - light balsamic vinaigrette dressing. Green tea (stunned, aren't you?). Sent my friend, Betty Dix, an email marked, "Yummm" and described my salad to her. Pretty soon, the Blackberry vibrated. Betty's response had arrived. It read:

"No bacon" 

Please! We can have pork, but no bacon? The remainder of my lunch was spent knocking tiny little bacon pieces off baby spinach leaves and bite-sized pieces of chicken before consuming them.  I abandoned the tomato; there just wasn't enough time left to cleanse those things! It's called a lunch HOUR for a reason, after all!

6:30 pm - Baked chicken breast with sweet yellow, orange and red peppers; steamed cauliflower seasoned with garlic. (Watch...I'm not supposed to eat colored peppers, either!). and.........green tea!

But let's rewind a bit. All the way back to lunch; to the bacon tragedy. "Bacon-gate", if you will. What's up wtih bacon? Is it from an undesirable part of the pig? Like the rump? How ironic. Mine's pretty much in the same boat at this stage of the game! Is it because..........(gasp!) it............smokes? 

Whatever the reason, there's one little piggy crying, "why me, me, me, me?" .....all the way to the dumpster!

Day 3/17: A Shocking Shower OR...Feathers....Really?

So, here's the deal: Despite all of my kvetching about hot water, lemon and the slow path being worn between my bedroom and my bathroom(s), the 17-day diet is great. Seriously. Even though there have been a few incidents that have given me pause. Let me share:

• the little girl standing next to me in a branch who leaned over to her mother and stage-whispered, "Mommy, I was standing near that lady and I could hear the ocean!"  Clearly a comment directed at the random sloshing that happens as a result of all the "Smart" water. Remember that point I made about how "Smart" water should be able to figure out a way not to settle in my ankles? Ditto to the sloshing.
• "Did someone just mow the lawn?"  Really...has anyone FOUND their lawn yet? We're barely into March. Doubtful. So, I'm going to go with that new scent I'm carrying around with me, "Eau de Green Tea".
• "Mommy," (remind me again why I like kids...) that lady has no uvula (sorry, couldn't resist using the word "uvula" again.......twice!)....
• Tonight in the shower, I discovered little pinfeathers on my legs. Yup....it's all the chicken I've been eating.......definitely. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Let's talk goals:

• No numbers. Seriously. The only number you'll get from me is pounds lost. Maybe. I'm a banker. The people I know are waaay too good at math. I'm just sayin'..........
• Trip to NYC with two very dear friends is coming up in June. There are three months between now and then. 12 weeks. 90 days. (See? Bankers are good at math!). If I've made enough progress to make it worthwhile, there just might be some new and fabulous clothing item in my suitcase for the train ride back! 

Sorry about the short blog entry this evening. I need to get to bed and rest up for the marathon "Pee-a-thon" to come later! 

'night all!!

Day 2/17: Nocturnal Wanderings ....

Bleary-eyed and exhausted, I dragged myself from my warm bed (I actually had to extricate myself from between 2 equally bleary Ragdoll cats) and headed into the kitchen. Despite an odd shivering sensation in the back of my throat, I managed to choke down the required cup of hot water and 1/2 a lemon. Uvula settled back into place after only 15 minutes, so things are looking up in that department.  Good thing. Little sleep was experienced last night. Why, you ask? Just a little something I like to call, "The Green Tea Shuffle". "The Smart Water Samba". OR, that great disco dance number, "The 3 AM Hustle".  Four times during the night, I was awakened by the undeniable, physiological consequences of consuming 64 ounces of water (4 of which contained the pulp of 1/2 a lemon!) and three cups of green tea in a single day. I fail to understand how the dozen or so trips made throughout the day didn't quite preclude the dance mix that occurred at my house last night!  And, as predicted in yesterday's entry - I had company. A little conga line. Back and forth. Back and forth. "Let's head to the bath-ROOM! Let's head back to bed NOW!" Good times. Not. I'm also having a little trouble understanding how my ankles can be slightly swollen. Dr. Mike tells us that our ankles swell when we are dehydrated. The body is storing water in the event we don't consume the correct quantities of the stuff the next day.

Dehydrated. Seriously?

It's that damned Uvula. This is how she's getting her revenge for the hot water/lemon doses. Somehow, she's gotten connected to whatever brain cell controls this whole fluid thing. "Retain water," she coos. "she'll never stick with it. She's got 4 12-packs of Tab in the closet. She'll give up that Smart Water faster than you can say, 'carbonation'!"

Smart Water. Let's take a moment to look at that, shall we? I've seen no evidence of intelligent life in this visually appealing bottle.  And, if it's THAT smart, shouldn't it be able to figure out how to avoid my ankles? To work its magic in 32 ounces rather than 64? To make green tea taste better than lawn clippings? I'm just asking here.......... The bottle boasts that the water has been vapor-distilled to replicate nature's purest form of water - that found in clouds. I knew it! Aliens are involved. Ohhh - wait - it's a theme: aliens - green; tea - GREEN! I'm rambling, but you get the point, right?

Now...about that green tea........RATS! Must excuse myself..........off to the powder room...............

Day 1/17...The Case of the Disappearing Uvula & How Green Was My Tea....

Upon waking in the morning, squeeze 1/2 lemon into a cup of hot water. This will awaken your digestion. 

Yes, it certainly will - but not in a good way. "I like water," I reasoned. "I like lemon. How bad can it be?"  Pretty bad. You know that piece of tissue that hangs down in the back of your throat? The uvula? Mine disappeared for about thirty minutes. Shriveled right up and hid. Convinced that I had lost my mind, it apparently decided that it didn't want anything to do with this new ritual. I couldn't blame it. Fortunately, the cup of coffee that followed brought it back.

Two hard boiled eggs and one orange later, I fired up my first cup of green tea. Interesting thing, green tea. It is neither green nor does it taste like traditional tea. It really should be green, you know; it tastes like grass clippings!

Lunch brought chicken breasts and a huge salad. And grapes. (2nd serving of fruit - to be consumed before 2 pm) And, just in case I didn't enjoy my first cup of green tea, I had another chance: that seems to be the prevailing beverage on this particular weight loss plan! 

Dinner: Chicken breasts and steamed cauliflower with garlic. And if I can't have the fresh cauliflower quite yet, I will say thank GOD for those lovely people at Birdseye who've given us those nice little microwave steamer bags of veggies!!

Somewhere in all of this protein and green, I have to drink 64 ounces of water. As of this writing, I've got about 18 ounces left to get there. Can't imagine how I'm going to fit it in because......................you guessed it! I've also got to knock back one more cup of green tea before bed time.

I've figured out the exercise bit of this plan, though: it's the running back and forth to the bathroom.  And I have it on good authority that this is a "quick walk" that goes on throughout the night. Well, I'll have company. Everytime I get up, Annie and Phoebe get up...and come with me wherever it is that I need to go. Weight loss and "family togetherness" all in one plan........excellent!

So, off to brew my last cup of green tea for the day - and toast tomorrow: another day, another foray into the world of green tea, hot lemon water....and nocturnal bonding with "the girls".......................

Christmas City Chronicle: "Vendor Disappearance Rocks Community!"

Breaking News:

Vendor Disappearance Rocks Community

by: Miss Elle Toh, City Desk 




 



Douglas Phur (2009 File Photo - Chronicle)



Christmas City Police Chief Tony Holiday has confirmed that local tree vendor, Douglas Phur, is missing. In a hastily-called news conference, Holiday stated that Phur, seen at left in a 2009 Chronicle file photo, went missing late Saturday afternoon.



"The missing man's wife, Sally Spruce-Phur, expressed concern when her husband failed to come home for dinner, but notified us when he failed to return by 10 pm."  Mr. Phur keeps his tree stand open until 9:30 for the convenience of last-minute shoppers. 

Holiday went on to say that police quickly took control of what they are now referring to as a crime scene and have recovered several items from the area. Asked if they have any idea what might have happened to this city's popular tree vendor, Holiday refused to elaborate beyond, "We are analyzing the items for additional clues at this time."

This reporter, however, has received a photograph, sent anonymously, of the crime scene - apparently as it looked before Chief Holiday and his crew arrived.  Regrettably, Holiday will not permit this reporter to publish it here due to the "ongoing investigation". Clicking on this link, however, will allow our faithful readers to see the shocking image.

 http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150332345150285&set=a.10150332345080285.577195.701480284

Clearly, Mr. Phur did not go quietly. 

In other developments, the Chronicle has learned that police have identified two "persons of interest" in Mr. Phur's disappearance (click on link):

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150332345150285&set=a.10150332345080285.577195.701480284#!/photo.php?fbid=10150332345205285&set=a.10150332345080285.577195.701480284&pid=15937564&id=701480284

Our source has indicated that these people are newcomers to our fair city but police are familiar with their identities, address and plan to speak with them soon. In viewing the photograph, several questions came to mind:

• Were these two people involved in the disappearance of Mr. Phur or were they merely unwitting witnesses to the nefarious events?
• Are there secrets to be found in the branches of the tree they're carrying away?
• What is the mysterious, whispy white substance seemingly stuck to the tree?
• Finally, red boots with a yellow purse? Seriously? Clearly, this 'woman of interest' has no interest in fashion!

Continue to turn to The Chronicle for the latest developments in this disturbing case!

Christmas City Chronicle: "Apparent Avalanche Strikes Christmas City"

EXTRA!

"Apparent Avalanche Strikes Christmas City"

by: Miss Elle Toh

City Desk

Residents of this fair city were startled today to experience what appears to have been a rare avalanche on Main Street. The National Weather Service will be unable to confirm anything until later this week, but the sudden tremor followed by the disappearance of several fluffy white snowdrifts lining the City street had people talking.

Fifi L'Eclair, manager of the ultra chic Cafe Caprice confirmed the frightening phenomena to this reporter earlier this afternoon. "Oui," the normally unflappable Frenchwoman breathed, fanning herself with a menu. "I 'ad just opened zee door for our luncheon service when - oh, la, la - the building shivered and my lovely French Silk pie slid to the floor! I 'ave never seen such a thing!"

Indeed, as I made my way around town, residents all shared their version of the same story. Father John Patrick O'Malley of St. Mary's Parish paused to speak to a family who came to visit his annual Nativity display in the church yard. After patting the family's White Highland Terrier on the head, he spared a moment for the local press, scoffing at the suggestion that the recent meteorological claims were the fault of a new wind turbine installed on the outskirts of town. "What are they sayin' - that the big propeller blew the snow off the street?! Ah, that' rich, that is! I think the avalanche is a better bet!"

Chester "Chet" Burns, roasted chestnut vendor, was less complacent. "I seen it! There was this rumbling, swishing sound then the ground shook and this big, white snowy thing rolled by and when it got to the other end of the street, I looked and the drifts were just gone! I tell ya - when the ground started to shake, I barely had time to grab my chestnuts and hang on for dear life!" He declined to speculate on the size or potential source of the "big, white snowy thing" mentioned in his account of the event.

Over at the 5th Avenue Salon, Beulah Largesse, wife of Mayor Horatio Largesse, fussed as proprietor Jolene LePew attempted to remove a red smudge of lipstick from her client's ear. "I was here for a simple permanent wave and I let myself get talked into a make over," she fumed. "We'd just gotten to the lipstick choices when my chair began to sway and Jolene couldn't control her hand. Now, I have "Passionate Pomegranate" all over the side of my face! This is an outrage!" Mrs. Largesse was far too upset for further conversation and our interview came to an abrupt - and colorful - ending!

I came upon Bill Elder reading his paper on the bench outside the Paramount Hotel and gratefully sat down next to him to review my notes. After exchanging a pleasant greeting, Mr. Elder glanced up at the sky and commented that the snowstorm predicted for later in the evening would drop quite a few inches on our fair city. Following his gaze, I observed that if he was correct, the snowplows would be able to replace the soft, fluffy snowbanks that lined Main Street. "Won't matter," he said, turning the page of the morning Chronicle. "They'll just disappear again."  When asked what he meant, Mr. Elder's answer was chilling.

"Snow Beast will take them." He folded his paper and slipped it into the bright Christmas red shopping bag and nodded, touching his hand to the brim of his fedora as he rose. "Have a good evening, ma'am."

Local law enforcement greeted my report with laughter and have no plans to increase patrols or further investigate Mr. Elder's claims. We're on our own, fair citizens. Be on your guard! This story will continue as further developments present themselves!