"Apparent Avalanche Strikes Christmas City"
by: Miss Elle Toh
City Desk
Residents of this fair city were startled today to experience what appears to have been a rare avalanche on Main Street. The National Weather Service will be unable to confirm anything until later this week, but the sudden tremor followed by the disappearance of several fluffy white snowdrifts lining the City street had people talking.
Fifi L'Eclair, manager of the ultra chic Cafe Caprice confirmed the frightening phenomena to this reporter earlier this afternoon. "Oui," the normally unflappable Frenchwoman breathed, fanning herself with a menu. "I 'ad just opened zee door for our luncheon service when - oh, la, la - the building shivered and my lovely French Silk pie slid to the floor! I 'ave never seen such a thing!"
Indeed, as I made my way around town, residents all shared their version of the same story. Father John Patrick O'Malley of St. Mary's Parish paused to speak to a family who came to visit his annual Nativity display in the church yard. After patting the family's White Highland Terrier on the head, he spared a moment for the local press, scoffing at the suggestion that the recent meteorological claims were the fault of a new wind turbine installed on the outskirts of town. "What are they sayin' - that the big propeller blew the snow off the street?! Ah, that' rich, that is! I think the avalanche is a better bet!"
Chester "Chet" Burns, roasted chestnut vendor, was less complacent. "I seen it! There was this rumbling, swishing sound then the ground shook and this big, white snowy thing rolled by and when it got to the other end of the street, I looked and the drifts were just gone! I tell ya - when the ground started to shake, I barely had time to grab my chestnuts and hang on for dear life!" He declined to speculate on the size or potential source of the "big, white snowy thing" mentioned in his account of the event.
Over at the 5th Avenue Salon, Beulah Largesse, wife of Mayor Horatio Largesse, fussed as proprietor Jolene LePew attempted to remove a red smudge of lipstick from her client's ear. "I was here for a simple permanent wave and I let myself get talked into a make over," she fumed. "We'd just gotten to the lipstick choices when my chair began to sway and Jolene couldn't control her hand. Now, I have "Passionate Pomegranate" all over the side of my face! This is an outrage!" Mrs. Largesse was far too upset for further conversation and our interview came to an abrupt - and colorful - ending!
I came upon Bill Elder reading his paper on the bench outside the Paramount Hotel and gratefully sat down next to him to review my notes. After exchanging a pleasant greeting, Mr. Elder glanced up at the sky and commented that the snowstorm predicted for later in the evening would drop quite a few inches on our fair city. Following his gaze, I observed that if he was correct, the snowplows would be able to replace the soft, fluffy snowbanks that lined Main Street. "Won't matter," he said, turning the page of the morning Chronicle. "They'll just disappear again." When asked what he meant, Mr. Elder's answer was chilling.
"Snow Beast will take them." He folded his paper and slipped it into the bright Christmas red shopping bag and nodded, touching his hand to the brim of his fedora as he rose. "Have a good evening, ma'am."
Local law enforcement greeted my report with laughter and have no plans to increase patrols or further investigate Mr. Elder's claims. We're on our own, fair citizens. Be on your guard! This story will continue as further developments present themselves!
